2006-08-28 / 02:00 a.m.
Always Tomorrow

I've been alone inside myself far too long
Never really wanted it that way but I let it happen
If I could do it all again my life would be
Infinitely better than before
I wouldn't waste a moment

I'm Susan and this is my story. I was born May 7, 1980 and I haven't had the easiest life. My father was never a part of my life. I was raised by my abusive mother and had the prescence of my abusive grandfather in my life. At age 20, I was thrown out of the house basically because my mother wanted to be alone with her boyfriend. I was diagnosed bipolar (even though most professionals now are pretty certain I'm not) and I've been hospitalized three times for suicidal behavior and cutting. I half-heartedly attempted suicide in July 2002 by mixing pills and alcohol and was annoyed that I woke up the next morning. During that period, I also cut myself, quite a bit. I've been in recovery since I got out of the hospital the last time, August 1, 2002 and haven't cut myself, or been suicidal since. That's the basics, and it sounds so clincal. It tells you very little about *me*. I often have this feeling that I lost so much of my life due to the time I was trapped in the abusive family life and due to illness and that I just came to life a year ago. I feel pretty guilty about that. I feel pretty guilty about a lot of things, including surviving my suicide attempt but I've tried to move past that and just take each day as a gift that I wouldn't otherwise have had.

Make time for laughing with my friends
Make love, make music, make amends
Try to make a difference, try to love, try to understand
Instead of just giving up
I'd use the power at my
command

I try not to whine. Seriously, I do. I'm still "getting over" a lot of things. I'm trying to find a reason to *be* here. I want to do something to change the world. Namely to stop violence in any form. Also, I've also been remarkably stubborn all my life but I've become moreso in the last year or so, because I don't believe in quitting now in *any* form. I get down sometimes, that's the lovely beast called depression, but I pull myself up and I fight. I guess this is one of those "coping" diaries? I don't know, I hate labels and really I don't think I can be labeled.

But there's always tomorrow to start over again
Things will never stay the same
The only one sure thing is change
That's why there's always
tomorrow

My life is constantly changing whether I like it or not. These days it seems the minute I get used to something life throws a major curve ball my way - I am NOT liking that. People say I'm strong, I don't really know about that. I know I'm stronger than I was. I know that I get stronger with time, but as to how strong I actually *am*, I don't see myself as some incredible force compared to anyone else. I do believe in the "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" addage. Considering all I've gone through and I'm not dead, I should be pretty damn strong, but I don't always feel it. Though I doubt being strong has to do anything with never being afraid or worried

I guess it took a little time for me to see
The reason I was brought into this world
What I'll have to go through
Before I'd finally realize
That I could be
Infinitely better than before
Definitely stronger

So, I'm surviving. I'm fighting. I rant here, I sort out my thoughts. I also have a rather... um, odd.. sense of humor. Oh, hell, I'm plain weird, like when I start talking about trout or whatever else.

I'll face whatever comes my way
Savor each moment of the day
Love as many people as I can along the way
Help someone who's given up
Even if it's just to raise my eyes and pray

I know I won't live forever, which is why I'm determined to seize the day despite the big ball of fear I have. I'm pushing through it. Maybe what I have to say can be of use to someone else, maybe not. I don't know, sometimes I think I'm just rambling.

There's always tomorrow to start over again
Things will never stay the same
The one sure thing is change
That's why there's always tomorrow
Before your last setting sun
When everything your heart has longed for
Has yet to be won

And while I always have another chance I know that I don't have *forever*. No one does. Brushes with death have taught me to go out and fucking LIVE already. Which is why I now take chances that I wouldn't have taken before. It's not just the courage to try and heal but the courage to live that I'm reaching for.

Yes, there's always always tomorrow
Though people come and they go
But if you've grown to love in their eyes
Then you've got something to show

I'm on this journey mostly alone. I think eventually we all make our journeys alone despite how many well-wishers we have. I hope that one day I'll have that soft place to land I've always wanted but never found.

There's always always always tomorrow
To start over again
Things will never stay the same
The only one sure thing is change
That's why there's always always always always tomorrow - Gloria Estefan

There is something in me that can never be wrecked, can never be ruined, no matter what is done to me. I firmly believe there's a part of me that they never got nor never *will*, thus it's pure. It's clean, and it's innocent, the rest of me is sarcastic and jaded. So that's my screenname. This is me, this is my life, this is my story.